Jeff's 29th Birthday

Tonight we celebrated my younger brother Jeff's 29th birthday.

Invalidation

Telling a person she shouldn’t feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn’t be wet, grass it shouldn’t be green, or rocks they shouldn’t be hard.  Each person’s feelings are real.  Whether we like or understand someone’s feelings they are still real.


All invalidation is a form of psychological attack. When we are attacked, our survival instinct tells us to defend ourselves either through withdrawal or counter-attack. Repteated withdrawal, though, tends to decrease our self-confidence and lead to a sense of powerlessness and depression. On the other hand, going on the offensive often escalates the conflict or puts us in the position of trying to change another person.

One sign of both high self-esteem and high EQ is the absence of either of these defensive responses. A healthier response, one which is both informative and assertive, without being aggressive, is to simply express your feelings clearly and concisely. For example, you might respond, "I feel invalidated," "I feel mocked," or "I feel judged."

How the other person responds to your emotional honesty will depend upon, and be indicative of:

(a) how much they respect you
(b) how much they care about you and your feelings
(c) how insecure and defensive they are
(d) how much they are trying to change or control you

All of this is information which will help you make decisions which are in your best interest.

Examples of invalidating expressions. -- Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.

"Ordering" You to Feel Differently

Get over it.
Don't get angry
Deal with it
Forget about it
Stop complaining
Don't be so dramatic
Don't be so sensitive
Stop being so emotional
Stop taking everything so personally


Denying Your Perception, Defending

You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen


Minimizing Your Feelings

You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.


Using Reason

There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....


Judging & Labeling You

You have a problem.
You are too sensitive.
You are over-reacting.
You are too thin-skinned.
You are way too emotional.
You are impossible to talk to.
You are impossible.
You are hopeless.


Turning Things Around

You are making a big deal out of nothing.
You are blowing this way out of proportion.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.


Trying to get you to question yourself

What is your problem?
What's wrong with you?
What's the matter with you?
Why can't you just get over it?
Why do you always have to ....?
Is that all you can do, complain?
Why are you making such a big deal over it?
How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Don't you think you are being a little dramatic?


Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act

You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.


Negating, Denial & Confusion

Now you know that isn't true.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)


Showing Intolerance

This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.


Trying to Control How Long You Feel Something, or Judging You for How Long You Feel It

Are you still upset over that? It happened a long time ago.
You should be over that by now.

http://www.eqi.org/

My three favorite people

Spent the afternoon yesterday with my three nephews.  They played video games.  We ordered pizza and watched a movie.  It was really nice to spend some time just hanging out with them.

Arrington Vineyards Raspberry Wine

I recently visited Arrington Vineyards for the first time and was able to sample a few of the wines that I have been hearing about.  I enjoyed quite a few of them, but came away with a definite favorite when I tried the Raspberry Wine.  It is considered a dessert wine and I love a glass paired with a little bit of dark chocolate.

Wine Profile:

Vintage: 2009

Varietal: Raspberries

Appellation: American

Bottling Date: August 13th, 2010

Residual Sugar: 12.5% (Very Sweet)

Alcohol %: 10%

Tasting Notes: Fresh and sweet aromas of red raspberry juice lead into a rich, sweet red raspberry explosion of flavor; the finish goes forever and the sweetness is balanced by the natural tartness of the raspberries.

Awards: Not yet entered into competition.

Winemaker Notes: Raspberry juice was fermented cold and quickly, and sweetened with Raspberry syrup

Food Pairing: Chocolate desserts, can be used in mixed drinks such as Chocolate Raspberry Martinis.

Nashville - 09/03/2010: The Parthenon

Got off to a late start in the morning, I didn't get out of the hotel until after noon.  One of the things I really wanted to do while in Nashville this time was to see The Parthenon.  It's a full scale replica of the original building that was built in ancient Greece.

The Parthenon holds a full-scale replica of the statue of Athena on the upper level and houses Nashville's art museum on the first floor:

There were some remarkable paintings on the lower level:

"The Wreck" Frederic Edwin Church

"Town Pond - Easthampton" Thomas Moran

"Autumn in the Catskills" Sanford Robinson Gifford

 In the evening I took a ride down to the Shelby Street pedestrian bridge to capture a few photos of the city.

Nashville - 09/02/2010: The Last Rodeo

Woke up early and saw the sun come up over the city from my hotel room.

Met up with some of the girls and went to breakfast at the Pancake Pantry.  I got a stack of the buttermilk pancakes and they were DELICIOUS!  Ran into some other friends who were also there eating breakfast.  We got a chance to see some of Music Row on the drive back to my hotel.  I would like to get back to Nashville and visit Music Row and Vanderbuilt a little more.  Spent most of the afternoon relaxing at the hotel before the concert.  We had dinner reservations at the Patron Platinum Club at the Bridgestone Arena.

After an excellent buffet dinner (paired with some of the wines from Arrington Vineyards) it was time for the final Brooks & Dunn conert:

Tyler Dickerson opened the show:

Then Brooks and Dunn came onstage for their final performance as a duo:

Reba joined them for "Cowgirls Don't Cry"

And then it was over...  Brooks and Dunn finished their last set and were heading off to work on their solo careers:

Nashville - 09/01/2010: Arrington Vineyards & Magic's Picnic

Drove out to Arrington Vineyards for the first time.  The property there is really beautiful.  We picked a great day to go, it was a quieter day and we really got an opportunity to enjoy how peaceful the property can be.  I also met up with a woman who participates in an online challenge with me.  She was really nice and I'm glad she came out for the day.

We were able to take a tour of the facility and watched some of the Raspberry wine being bottled and packaged for shipping.

After our visit to the vineyard we drove out to Magic's house where he was hosting a picnic for those of us who had come down to Nashville for the week.  We all had a great time!  Magic was a wonderful host and he's such a nice guy.  A few other friends dropped by during the evening as well.